Navigating Disappointment and Heartbreak

All too often, life throws us curveballs.

Letdowns, disappointment, hurt feelings, failed expectations, breakups, “no’s”, and missed opportunities are part of life but can be incredibly challenging to navigate in the moment. It can literally and figuratively feel like nothing goes right, and the gloomy, lonely “winter” will continue forever. (Did I mention it’s winter right now?). It can make you feel worthless, unappreciated, or like what you once thought was true was all a lie. It can get pretty dark or negative pretty fast if you let it.

These feelings and experiences have been in my personal and professional orbit lately, so I thought I’d explore what works and what doesn’t when facing them. For me, at least.

While I’m not talking about true grief and loss here, it is, in a way, reflective of the grief cycle: Disappointment, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Of course, this is not a linear process, but it can be helpful to consider where you fall in the process at any given moment. And guess what. It’s OK, and NORMAL to experience all of these feelings, and even oscillate between them. Give yourself permission, please.

Too often, we’re expected to “put some lipstick on it”, “put your big girl panties on,” and “get over it” without having the opportunity to feel sad, reflect, or consider how a disappointment might, in the long run, lead to an even better path. Disappointment and heartbreak will lessen with time, I promise.

So here’s my take on what works, and what doesn’t. No research this time – except a lifetime of reading, journaling, meditating, and podcast listening:). Oh, and some recent practice.

What to do, in no particular order:

• Feel the feelings. If we bottle it up, the issues live in the tissues.
• Talk to a trusted friend or family member. Let it out. It’s ok! Cry if you need to. I mean, don’t resort to violence, but if you need to scream into, or punch a pillow, go for it.
• Breathe, slow down. Really. When all else fails, tap into your breathing, slow your heart rate.
• Consider what works for you, or what’s worked in the past. Exercise? Meditation? Journaling? Time with friends? Fresh air? Do that.
• Give yourself time. Emotions don’t need to be processed in a day.
• Give yourself grace. Please!
• When you feel ready, take time to reflect. Some of these questions might be helpful:
  • Is there a side of this story I haven’t considered?
  • Are there areas that I have no control over? If so… let it go.
  • What can I control? Usually, that’s something like my reaction or next steps.
  • This one can be tough, but… Is it possible that this disappointment or this outcome may actually lead me in a better direction? Often, the answer is yes.
• Was it a really big disappointment, or even a “failure”? Do an after-action report. Its quite similar to reflection, but more formalized. I know it sounds a little much, like “isn’t that for big workplace events or something”? I’ve done it personally, and it can be extremely helpful for identifying what went well, opportunities for improvement, and trends. Some questions to consider:
  • What did I do well in this situation?
  • What would I do again?
  • What can I learn that might be useful in the future?
  • What do I have control over?
  • What went poorly?
  • How can I learn and grow from this experience? This can be huge!
  • What do I NOT have control over, and how can I use that to move on?
  • Do I see any patterns, for good or for bad here? How can they inform my future actions?
  • Write it all down, look back at it, and it can be quite illuminating.
• Very importantly, when you’re ready, let go, move on. Please.

What not to do, in no particular order:

• Blame yourself for the outcome. I firmly believe that people do the best they can with what they have at any given time. Be proud of yourself, recognize and own that.
• Blame others for the outcome. Really. I mean, you can, for a second, be mad, but then let that shit go. Is it making you feel better? If holding that anger and grudge makes you feel worse (it probably does), then let it go.
• Shame yourself for feeling disappointed or sad. Remember, feel the feelings! It’s ok!
• Feel embarrassed or less than. Hold your head high. Please, you beautiful human!
• Hurry or sweep those feelings under the rug. You do you on your own time.
• Lash out or react without a pause and consideration. Is your reaction to this situation how you want to act? If not, give it a minute, breathe, and send that text or email later. It can and should wait. There is magic in the pause.
• Catastrophize. It can be easy to go down a worst-case-scenario rabbit hole. Don’t. Bring yourself back to reality. Phone a friend to help with that if you need.
• Make reactive decisions. This is a big one. Breathe, pause, wait, consider. Make calm and informed decisions. Later. Whatever “later” is for you.

In summary, when you’re in the midst of “winter”, allow yourself to feel, lean into what works for you, take a pause and a breath, and know that spring is right around the corner.

Love to you all as you navigate life’s ups and downs.

-Sarah