The Left Side of the Sticky Note: Prioritize Yourself

sweatherred

I’m sure you’re wondering what the heck I mean by the title of this one. Give me a moment to explain.

I’m a list maker, a to-do list lover, and boy, do I enjoy crossing things off of said list. It makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. (There’s probably some perfectionism, overachiever tendencies to unpack there, but bear with me, that’s for another day). And for as long as I can remember, Monday-Friday, I make daily to-do lists on a sticky note. It helps keep me on track, I think.

I have columns on my sticky note: The left side, usually the higher-priority side, is for work items. The right side is personal to-dos, such as making appointments, phone calls, emails, cleaning, running errands, and such. I even include workouts, meditation, drinking water, and other healthy behaviors that benefit from reminders.

But here’s the thing. Also, for as long as I can remember, the left side gets done first. It’s almost always been work above self. The left side gets checked off, I feel like I’m “good at work”, but the right side falls behind. I get left behind. Everything and everyone else first. Almost every single day. This is not intended to be a pity-party, it’s intended to be a honest reflection about the way I’ve lived my life and the choices I’ve made. Clearly, I’ve made some mistakes (who hasn’t?). As I’ve alluded to in previous posts, I think balance is nearly impossible, but we can try to an extent.

So I’m making an adjustment, and I hope you will too, in whatever similar way might resonate with you, be it a sticky note or just a re-prioritization of yourself. As small and simple as it seems, I’m now putting the non-work, personal to-dos on the left. AND probably more importantly, giving myself permission to complete those things first, or at least as a priority, where possible.

I’ve been working on this for a few days now and have had some key observations:

  1. It takes a conscious effort to break old patterns and habits.
  2. It takes micro-adjustments over time to achieve change and success. Lean into this and celebrate even the smallest win.
  3. And permission. Don’t forget to give yourself permission.
  4. One huge factor, I’m learning, is removing a false sense of urgency and immediacy that accompanies our current work culture in the good ol’ U.S. of A.
    • Here’s an example: This morning, after a work meeting, I meditated and journaled over the course of about 45 minutes at (gasp!) 10am, when the rest of the world is working and moving along at a rapid pace. (Mind you, I am a contractor, and I can complete my work on my own time- and yes, I feel the need to justify this… but I’m working on it). I put my phone on Do Not Disturb. For 45 minutes. When I turned off Do Not Disturb, I opened my phone to 2 new work voicemails, 16 parent group chat notifications, 18 family group chat notifications, 7 emails, and 1 text. In 45 minutes. It’s no wonder so many of us live in a constant state of over-stimulation and anxiety. Most of these items needed my attention at some point, and my first conditioned reaction was to be filled with anxiety and urgency. I should address all of those things immediately and skip the workout that I had planned next. That’s what people expect after all. Or do they? Here’s the work: Pause and reflect on the true urgency of all of those things. None were urgent. So… I prioritized. I completed the workout, took a shower, and addressed, in order, what I needed to do first, redirected some of it, and read but did not respond to the group chats (who invented that anyway??), and at the end of the day, I got everything done that I wanted to. INCLUDING, and importantly, taking care of myself.
  5. As above… Its about prioritization. And, my friend, you should be a priority. Period.

Look, I get it. Some days, weeks, and even months feel like the to-do lists are endless, work just won’t let up, and prioritizing yourself in any way isn’t possible. But I ask you, I beg you, my friend, to consider completing what really matters first, and that includes you.

And here’s a secret bit of magic: If you make yourself a priority, you’ll likely feel better, be more present, and show up in a more positive way for others. Kindness, patience, and heck, efficiency at work might just be an unintended benefit that you’ll love. There is a high chance (I’ve experienced it already) you’ll WANT to do more for others. It’s a win/win.

So, if it resonates in some way, re-order your to-do list, put yourself first when you can, pause, and consider the true urgency of any situation or task. I can guarantee it’ll be eye-opening, and my hope is that it will positively affect you in a significant way.

Cheers,

Sarah

Navigating Disappointment and Heartbreak

sweatherred

All too often, life throws us curveballs.

Letdowns, disappointment, hurt feelings, failed expectations, breakups, “no’s”, and missed opportunities are part of life but can be incredibly challenging to navigate in the moment. It can literally and figuratively feel like nothing goes right, and the gloomy, lonely “winter” will continue forever. (Did I mention it’s winter right now?). It can make you feel worthless, unappreciated, or like what you once thought was true was all a lie. It can get pretty dark or negative pretty fast if you let it.

These feelings and experiences have been in my personal and professional orbit lately, so I thought I’d explore what works and what doesn’t when facing them. For me, at least.

While I’m not talking about true grief and loss here, it is, in a way, reflective of the grief cycle: Disappointment, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Of course, this is not a linear process, but it can be helpful to consider where you fall in the process at any given moment. And guess what. It’s OK, and NORMAL to experience all of these feelings, and even oscillate between them. Give yourself permission, please.

Too often, we’re expected to “put some lipstick on it”, “put your big girl panties on,” and “get over it” without having the opportunity to feel sad, reflect, or consider how a disappointment might, in the long run, lead to an even better path. Disappointment and heartbreak will lessen with time, I promise.

So here’s my take on what works, and what doesn’t. No research this time – except a lifetime of reading, journaling, meditating, and podcast listening:). Oh, and some recent practice.

What to do, in no particular order:

  • Feel the feelings. If we bottle it up, the issues live in the tissues.
  • Talk to a trusted friend or family member. Let it out. It’s ok! Cry if you need to. I mean, don’t resort to violence, but if you need to scream into, or punch a pillow, go for it.
  • Breathe, slow down. Really. When all else fails, tap into your breathing, slow your heart rate.
  • Consider what works for you, or what’s worked in the past. Exercise? Meditation? Journaling? Time with friends? Fresh air? Do that.
  • Give yourself time. Emotions don’t need to be processed in a day.
  • Give yourself grace. Please!
  • When you feel ready, take time to reflect. Some of these questions might be helpful:
    • Is there a side of this story I haven’t considered?
    • Are there areas that I have no control over? If so… let it go.
    • What can I control? Usually, that’s something like my reaction or next steps.
    • This one can be tough, but… Is it possible that this disappointment or this outcome may actually lead me in a better direction? Often, the answer is yes.
  • Was it a really big disappointment, or even a “failure”? Do an after-action report. Its quite similar to reflection, but more formalized. I know it sounds a little much, like “isn’t that for big workplace events or something”? I’ve done it personally, and it can be extremely helpful for identifying what went well, opportunities for improvement, and trends. Some questions to consider:
    • What did I do well in this situation?
    • What would I do again?
    • What can I learn that might be useful in the future?
    • What do I have control over?
    • What went poorly?
    • How can I learn and grow from this experience? This can be huge!
    • What do I NOT have control over, and how can I use that to move on?
    • Do I see any patterns, for good or for bad here? How can they inform my future actions?
    • Write it all down, look back at it, and it can be quite illuminating.
  • Very importantly, when you’re ready, let go, move on. Please.

What not to do, in no particular order:

  • Blame yourself for the outcome. I firmly believe that people do the best they can with what they have at any given time. Be proud of yourself, recognize and own that.
  • Blame others for the outcome. Really. I mean, you can, for a second, be mad, but then let that shit go. Is it making you feel better? If holding that anger and grudge makes you feel worse (it probably does), then let it go.
  • Shame yourself for feeling disappointed or sad. Remember, feel the feelings! It’s ok!
  • Feel embarrassed or less than. Hold your head high. Please, you beautiful human!
  • Hurry or sweep those feelings under the rug. You do you on your own time.
  • Lash out or react without a pause and consideration. Is your reaction to this situation how you want to act? If not, give it a minute, breathe, and send that text or email later. It can and should wait. There is magic in the pause.
  • Catastrophize. It can be easy to go down a worst-case-scenario rabbit hole. Don’t. Bring yourself back to reality. Phone a friend to help with that if you need.
  • Make reactive decisions. This is a big one. Breathe, pause, wait, consider. Make calm and informed decisions. Later. Whatever “later” is for you.

In summary, when you’re in the midst of “winter”, allow yourself to feel, lean into what works for you, take a pause and a breath, and know that spring is right around the corner.

Love to you all as you navigate life’s ups and downs.

-Sarah

It’s Not About WHAT You Do; It’s About HOW You Do It

sweatherred

“Mindful”. “Engaged”. “Intentional.” “You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control your reaction”. You can explain this concept in a variety of ways. I’ll explain what’s resonated with me lately.

WHAT IT IS NOT: Fake or sugary. “Have a good attitude”, “Positive Mental Attitude”, “Chin up,” “Look on the Bright Side,” or “Smile”. That all feel like toxic positivity to me.

WHAT IT IS: People who bring joy and are engaged, no matter where they are or what they’re doing. People who are kind, thoughtful, and avoid negativity. The woman at the post office, who, despite the rude, impatient customer, is kind (a real person, in my town, by the way). The man at the store who always asks how you’re doing, says “Have a great day,” and means it! It is not about what they do, it is about how they do it. And you know what? I’d rather interact with any of the aforementioned than any “fancy”, rich, or “important” person. I bet you would too. I’d rather BE any of those people.

Admittedly, that’s not always me. I used to believe that if I set my expectations low, I’d always be happily surprised, never disappointed. I was wrong. Now, I believe that if I set my expectations low, that’s what I’ll get. For example, if I think the workout will be difficult and painful, it will be. If I think my workday will be long and frustrating, it will be. However, if I set my expectations high, more often than not, I will rise to the occasion and have a good experience. Others will rise to the occasion, and we will collectively achieve much more than we thought possible, and in a more enjoyable manner.

What I am talking about is a practiced mindset that can totally change the way you interact with the world and yourself. One thing that is clear to me is that this is easier said than done, and it takes a lot of intentionality.

So, how, practically, can one make this shift? I think it has to do, in part, with deciding in advance. But, you say, life isn’t predictable! How am I supposed to do this? That’s true, but with some effort and repetition, you can not only impact your reaction to what you can control, but to what you can’t.

You can choose your own, of course, but here are some simple, practical examples for when life is predictable.

  1. Before you get out of bed in the morning, envision your day, in some detail, and how it will be great. Yes, really, great!
  2. Before you start your workout, imagine how much fun it will be to sweat and listen to music and feel strong during and afterwards.
  3. Before you enter that crowded, busy store during the holidays, imagine smiling at friends and strangers, and enjoy purchasing gifts or meals for loved ones.
  4. Before you start work, and dreaded or boring tasks, anticipate how you will be efficient, and positively affect change, even to the smallest extent.

Here are some practical examples, when life isn’t so predictable. This involves pausing before reacting.

  1. Get cut off in traffic? Before pulling out that certain finger, take a breath, and imagine, perhaps, that other person didn’t see you or is experiencing an emergency.
  2. Receive a rude email? Before firing off a less-than-ideal response, re-read the email with a new lens. Did something get lost in translation? Respond kindly.
  3. Get disappointed by a friend? Before reacting or even disowning them, consider the alternatives. Perhaps there is another side to the story? Perhaps good intent, poor delivery? Give grace.

You get the idea and can apply this to your own experience in life. I hope it helps bring more joy and positivity, even just a little bit.

With love, Sarah

QUOTES

Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” — Dalai Lama“

“Our mindsets can limit us or liberate us.”-Ellen Langer

“Wherever you go, there you are“. -Jon Kabat-Zinn

“I’m not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost”– Winnie the Pooh

“Cleans Up Easy When You Do It Quick”

sweatherred

I had an experience today that flooded me with an obvious metaphor, one that’s important and that I needed to hear.

Like all of us, life has thrown some challenges my way of late. Like all of us, I’m working through some things. Life is both beautiful and challenging, almost all of the time, and I’m guessing you can relate. Right now, one challenge involves having anxiety disproportionate to the reality of the situation. I think it’s at least partially because I haven’t fully worked through some past traumatic experiences, or didn’t address them at the time. And partially because I’ve gotten away from using the “in the moment” techniques that I know work. So, when a similar situation presents itself again, as it will, it adds a layer to the (fill in the blank) anxiety, pain, illness, and may be even stronger than it was the first time.

Cue the metaphor: Today, I was in the middle of a strength workout at home, moved a weight to the side, and knocked over my coffee onto the light-colored carpet. (Yes, if it’s morning, I’ve got coffee with me no matter what I’m doing.) I paused the workout, grabbed a towel to clean up, and was surprised at how easily it came up, because I had gotten to it right away. It almost disappeared. Yay! Talking to myself, I said out loud (and, yeah, pardon the grammar), “Cleans up easy when you do it quick“!

The message was so obvious, it almost took my breath away. If you deal with your metaphorical messes quickly, no matter how big or small (trauma, health issues, finances, even life’s “to-dos”) they will be much easier to manage than if you leave them to soak into the carpet, dry up, and leave a permanent stain. It seems so obvious. There might be a small or imperceptible stain left, but much better than the alternative. I’ve always been a fan of preventative medicine and addressing issues quickly, but I’m not so sure I’ve followed my own advice very well. (I’m a nurse, shocker. Apologies to my fellow nurses if you operate differently)

Experience a challenging time? Feel the emotions, process them, and build resilience. Seek counseling support if you need it. Fantastic. Find a questionable spot on your skin? Go get it treated before it worsens into full-blown skin cancer. The house is getting messy? Pick it up and clean it up before it looks like an episode of Hoarders. Gain a couple of pounds? Dig in and focus on your health before you’ve gained 30. The examples could go on; you get the idea.

So, what to do from here?

For me, the answer is to tune in and take action in the moment. Feel that anxiety? Acknowledge it, take a deep breath, realize you’re safe, and focus on what’s true and what areas you have control over. Gained those couple of pounds or gained some credit card debt? Appreciate the current situation, then move towards what’s true and what we can do about it right now. Maybe even focus on gratitude. What? Something wise I heard lately: You can’t be anxious and grateful at the same time. Invite gratitude for what is good, or even what life’s challenges have to teach you.

Ok great, you say, but I’ve already gained those 30 pounds, have some major (again, fill in the blank) health, mental health, financial, or life issues. Now what? It’s not so easy! You’re right, it’s not easy, but the same principles apply. It is simple, but not easy. If you think about it, all we can do is focus on the right now, what’s true, and what we have control over. Sprinkle in a dash of gratitude and you’ve got a recipe for positive change and a beautiful life.

Wishing you health, happiness, and the strength and ability to take swift action.

Do Nothing

sweatherred

Oh, how glorious that sounds and feels. And simultaneously it seems indulgent.

Awhile back, I was in a yoga class and there was a beautiful moment in between poses, where the instructor said, “Do Nothing“. In that moment, I was allowed, told actually, to be still, rest. I had permission. And you know what? it felt AMAZING!

We live in a society that places value on production, money, consumption, and, busyness. We value doing more and less so ourselves as humans. And for what? It’s a sad state we’re in, really. Community and connection, self-care, rest, mindfulness, and presence, all seem like buzzwords. Don’t get me wrong, I place high value on all of these things, but when I’m being honest, my actions don’t often reflect my words. Relatable? Do I really value them? Our actions reflect our values, and that is probably a discussion for another day. Intellectually, I know all those things are critical for my physical and mental health. Intellectually, I also know that if I take care of myself, I will be a kinder mom, friend, wife, colleague, daughter, and community member. I would encourage anyone I know to place the highest value on self.

But practically speaking, in my day-to-day, I ensure I get it all done before I consider rest or self-care. I don’t treat myself as I would a friend. I’m on a hamster wheel of “production”. How sad. Being honest and vulnerable here: “do nothing” sometimes gives me anxiety because I am always supposed to be producing and doing something! 

As a nurse and curious human, here’s what I know: Chronic stress can negatively effect the body: reduced immune function, increased inflammation, weight gain, negative cardiovascular effects, poor gut health, increased risk for cancer…The list goes on. 

Ok enough with the negativity, let’s shift this. I ask myself, I ask you. How often do you “do nothing” , tune in, or feel what you really need? There is such incredible value in slowing down, being still, sitting with our thoughts, or even better NOT thinking, to the extent that is possible. How can we incorporate this into our lives more often? If you’re like me, you might think “well I won’t get it all done” then! No way, can’t do it! I encourage you to do a quick google search on the value of “doing nothing”. I think you’ll receive some enlightening information. Interestingly, there are so many benefits of “doing nothing”: Improved mood, productivity (ironically?), creativity, problem-solving, and much more.

Here are some simple, practical strategies for reducing that chronic stress, increasing self-love (notice I didn’t say self-care, as that can also feel like another item on the to-do list), and doing nothing. I certainly don’t have it all figured out, but I’m actively working on these things: (I realize that providing a list of things to do probably doesn’t feel like “doing nothing”, but stick with me)

Morning: Set the tone for the day. Reflect and consider how to slow down before you ever turn on a computer, touch a phone, or brush your teeth. Before you get out of bed, practice gratitude and set a positive intention for the day.             . Breathe: It can be as simple as in and out through the nose, boxed breathing, or more advanced yogic techniques (breath of fire, etc.).                  Walk: Put the tech away and step outside for even 10 or 15 minutes. Feel fresh air on your face, look around and pay attention (no really, actually) to the sights, sounds and smells around you.                               Sit: Got a meditation practice? Even 5 minutes a day has benefits.       Connect: Maybe the most important? Again, put the tech away (no really, actually) and enjoy a meal or conversation. Do nothing. Just talk, and be together.      

I hope that we can all incorporate even just one of these things every day. I am actively working on it, and I look forward to the experiment.

Much love, and enjoy doing nothing!

Resources:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5137920/

https://www.columbiadoctors.org/news/chronic-stress-can-hurt-your-overall-health#:~:text=Research%20shows%20that%20chronic%20stress,high%20blood%20pressure%2C%20and%20stroke.

https://intheknow.insead.edu/article/benefits-doing-nothing#:~:text=Your%20resting%20state%20is%20a,more%20imaginative%20thoughts%20and%20ideas.

https://www.henryford.com/blog/2022/12/6-health-benefits-of-taking-time-to-do-nothing#:~:text=Benefits%20Of%20Doing%20Nothing&text=Aiding%20problem%2Dsolving%3A%20Breaks%20improve,think%20of%20an%20innovative%20idea.

I want vs. I am

sweatherred

I have a simple challenge for you. Well, maybe it’s not easy, but simple in the literal sense.

Like almost everything I post, I do not claim this as an original idea, but this has been resonating strongly with me lately. This is a combination of what I’ve read, experienced, and believe. I’ve done a fair amount of meditating on and reading about manifestation. You’ll find different perspectives and methods, and it usually contains elements of 1. Get clear on your vision, 2. Put it into the universe (vision board, journal, verbalize, visualize) 3. Don’t be attached to how it happens. Just trust that it will happen 4. Express gratitude (even if it hasn’t actually happened) 5. Act as if it has already happened. I believe strongly that #5 is the key. I’ll elaborate…

If you’re already acting “as if” something were true, your vision is already fully formed, and #1 and #2 are taken care of. If you already have something in your life, you’re less likely to care how you got there, and you’ll ideally be grateful that you’re there. #3 and #4 are taken care of. Rather than wrapping ourselves up in a check-list or step-by-step process (don’t get me wrong, I LOVE me a checklist!) I suggest we try something simpler.

Here’s my challenge:

Any time you find yourself thinking or saying “I want”, replace it “I am” or “I have”.

Really envision yourself this way, as if it is occurring now, not sometime in the future. The magic in this technique is that you’ll start behaving in a way that leads you to where you want to be.

Here are a few examples:

I want to be at X weight vs. I am at X weight. Close your eyes and really see it. If you are the person that stays at your goal weight, my guess is you’re reaching for healthy foods, eating in moderation, saying yes to exercise, and generally staying on track. Envision being that person, not wanting to be that person. If you’re not there and you want/crave/hope, you might say.. oh screw it, or I can’t, or I’ll work on it tomorrow, or I’ll fail. If you are there, you’ll act like that healthy person every day, or at least, most of the time. Am I right? Sit with that for a bit.

I want X job, vs. I have X job. Close your eyes and really see it. If you want/crave/hope for the job or business opportunity, how does that feel? Probably scary, intimidating, uncertain, or not possible. It might be exciting but a little grey. Feel like taking action? Maybe. May not. If you already have the job or opportunity, you have confidence, take action, and feel like you belong in that space. You know you can do it because you already are! Yes?

I want X amount of money, vs. I have X amount of money. Close your eyes and really see it. Perhaps this one is a little tricky. Perhaps you’re thinking, well, yeah, if I had that kind of money, I’d spend it. But that’s a bad idea, I’m not doing that. I don’t want to go bankrupt trying. But I’ll ask you to dig a little deeper. People who have money didn’t get there only by spending a lot. They have money because they manage what they do have appropriately, reducing debt, working, saving, etc. They act, they don’t wish. Now try again. Close your eyes and see it. I bet you have that job, paid off your debt, saved, and then spent. Or maybe you won the lottery. Good on you. But the question is: did you play the lottery, vs. wishing you won the lottery? You get the idea.

Lastly, as I’ve alluded to, wanting, craving, and hoping are ineffectual. Change comes from the doing. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in having hope, especially in tough times. But this meaning of the word hope is a little different. I’m guessing you’ve heard the phrase “what we resist persists”? That applies here. If we want, we are in a scarcity mindset rather than an abundance mindset. We focus on what we don’t have or what’s wrong, not what we can do or what’s possible. Then guess what: More of what we’re focusing on appears in our life. Try shifting to “I am” and “I have” for a day or two, and let me know what shifts happen for you, big or small. I can’t wait to hear about it! I am on this journey with you.

References: The Wisdom of Yoga, Stephen Cope

ps. Part of the inspiration for this posting was an exercise I tried. I am a huge fan of blogs, podcasts, exercises, etc. This person inspires me. I engaged in an exercise that, in part, was to write down what I want every day for X number of days. I got excited! I was going to get clear on my goals and achieve them! I added my own additional twist on how I was going to complete the goals. I diligently completed the exercise for 24 days, which was short of the goal. I stopped on purpose. I realized 1. There are just a couple things I REALLY want (the exercise was helpful in that way). 2. I’m not doing shit about it, at least not in an effective manner. I haven’t improved anything in 24 days, not really. So now, I am going to focus on being, not wanting. Like I said, I’m on the journey with you.

Stop hoping. Start setting SMART Goals, take action, and celebrate.

sweatherred

The universe has been talking lately, so I’m listening. I teach a class at a university where students are required to plan out educational, life, and career goals. They’re required to lay out steps to achieve those goals. I’ve been listening to podcasts about health and wellness, all with concrete goals in mind. I am a recent graduate of a coaching program soon to seek board certification. We practice setting clearly defined goals and making small changes to move the needle. And so on.

Me? Currently working three jobs and *hoping life will lead me in a great direction. I have realized lately that I am not practicing what I preach. I *hope I’ll lose the weight before that big vacation, I *hope we can get the credit cards paid off, I *hope we can make the house updates we want, and I *hope, eventually, I’ll reduce my work down to one (ok maybe two) amazing job that pays well, and that provides benefits. I *hope we can afford those vacations. You get the idea…

I would imagine the concept of SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-sensitive) is familiar to many of you. If not, here’s one resource:https://www.smartsheet.com/blog/essential-guide-writing-smart-goals. Admittedly, as I prepped this posting, I found some research that SMART goals in and of themselves don’t drive change or may have negative effects on psychology. What I also found is that if you write goals down, say them out loud, and celebrate your wins, you’re much more likely to achieve your goals. You decide.

Here’s my question: When was the last time you sat down and actually examined your life? When was the last time you actually took the time to write down your goals? My guess is that, like me, you have a lot of fantasy-type ideas (I hope!) on how you want your life to look, but you haven’t written down concrete goals or the action steps it will take you to get there.

So, let’s do this together. Seriously. Get a pen and paper. You can make it simple and brief, if that’s the amount of time you have, or have fun with it when you have more time. Write down 3-5 areas of your life where you want to make change or progress. Don’t know where to start? Call to mind something in any of the following areas of your life that you’d like to improve upon: Career, Finance, Health, Family, Relationships, Fun/Enjoyment, Education, Physical Environment, Mental Health, or Spirituality. Then pick just one that you want to work on.

Now, let’s turn it into a SMART goal.

For example, rather than “I’d hope I can get my credit cards paid off soon,” write, “I will pay off $3000 of credit card debt within 6 months (put a specific date on it). If that’s not realistic, then choose something that is. You can’t measure credit card debt without a number or “soon” without a date. Then, lay out the actions to meet that goal. What is the first step, no matter how small, to achieve that goal? Maybe that step is “pay $300 from each paycheck towards credit cards”. I’m no financial expert, but you get the hypothetical idea.

There are two keys to success. 1. Put in the work. Every day. No one is going to do this for you. Only YOU can do it for you. But it doesn’t have to be sweeping or major. Even the tiniest step toward progress is progress! 2. Celebrate!! Woo-hoo, you took a step! Seriously! Yay! You are that much closer to your dream. The cycle of action and reward will reinforce the behaviors you want to continue, and you’ll be more likely to keep moving forward.

What if I fail, you ask? Then I’d ask you this: What happens if you do nothing? What is the cost of inaction? My guess is that you’ll be in the same place you are now. How does that sit with you? Really? Close your eyes and imagine it. Is the fear of failure causing inertia? (Guilty!). But (big shocker), none of us are perfect. All of us make mistakes. If you expect and forgive some mistakes, and PLEASE do not beat yourself up for them, you are more likely to keep on trying. Progress and change take time. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Key takeaways?: If you don’t know exactly what you’re aiming for, how will you know if you’ve achieved the goal? How will you identify the steps to get you there? Start now, right now, today, and take the first small step toward your goal. Then celebrate! Put it on repeat.

I’d love to know what you’re up to and what goal you’re going after. Friends, you got this! I’m right there beside you!

References:

The Science of Stuck, Britt Frank https://www.scienceofstuck.com/

Mel Robbins Podcasts, trainings, books.

Fight for something. Not everything.

sweatherred

My intent with this one is not to get political. My intent is certainly not to tell you what’s important and what’s not. That’s up to you and only you. It does, and should, look different for everyone. My intent is to help create a sense of connection, belonging, and passion while reducing the stress and anxiety that can come with the overwhelming amount of negative information blasted at us 24/7. I feel for our kids who never knew any different.

I am dating myself here, but when I was growing up in the ’80s and ’90s, life was relatively simple. Not perfect, but less busy, in the negative sense of the word. We walked to school, walked to a friend’s house after school most days, and either played outside or listened to the radio in hopes that our favorite song would be played. We played on our local sports teams or got involved with after-school extracurricular activities. News came via the daily paper or on the evening news. The “daily dose” of current events was metered. Today, unless you’re a social-media-free kind of person (bless you, I’m jealous) or intentionally live a simple and technology-reduced life, you’re blasted with information at a blistering, stressful, anxiety-producing pace.

There are so many topics one could be passionate about, get involved in, or fight for: Youth mental health, the opioid epidemic, black lives matter, diversity, equity and inclusion, LGBTQ+, international conflict/war-torn countries, bullying, global warming, local issues, gun violence, and the list could go on forever. It stresses me out to consider all of the negative events going on in the world and also how divided we have become as a country over them. The barrage of negative information, coupled with the VOLUMES of information, positive or negative (or somewhere in between) is a lot for the human brain to handle.

For some, this creates pressure to know about everything, to have an opinion about everything, and a sense of obligation to do something about everything. Unless you’re the President of the United States propped up by a massive team, this is literally impossible.

Not to digress too much, but technology overuse can result in attention deficits, reduced dopamine levels, reduced physical activity, memory impairment (You ever have trouble recalling simple words? Me too.), reduced sleep, reduced cognitive performance, reduced attention, social/emotional intelligence, and social isolation to name a few (see references section). Oh, and you think you can multitask with technology and other tasks? You can’t.

Here’s my charge to you:

Step one, identify what you are most passionate about? Deep down, what fuels you? What interests you right now? This should NOT be what you *think* you’re supposed to care about and what society implies should be important to you. Just stop that. Get honest with yourself. You’re more likely to put the work in and make a difference if you really, truly care. Priorities and values will almost certainly change over your lifetime, depending on your life experiences and stage in life. For me, it’s currently things like personal and community health, personal growth, mental health, and of course, anything that impacts my kids: education, physical health, family, etc. That’s where I put my time and energy, and I don’t try to address all of those things all at once. I encourage you to pick a few topics, but not 10. If you haven’t already tried this exercise, hone in on your values first, then let those guide you.

Step two: consider where you can have the most impact? Consider your work and life experience, your connections, and a sphere of influence (we all have it in some way). Consider HOW you can have an impact. Through your job? Volunteering? Lobbying? Educating yourself and others? Showing up for a friend? Just your way of being in the world? There are hundreds of ways to have a positive impact on the world. Think about the ways that make the most sense for you. Oh, and by the way, it does NOT have to be a major sweeping effort. Sometimes, a lot of times, it means just showing and being kind to others, offering empathy and compassion, and recognizing everyone is going through something. It sounds simple, and sometimes it’s difficult, but being kind is possibly one of the most important things you can do.

Step three: (I’m sure to be unpopular here). Let the rest go. Yes, I mean it. Stop mentally engaging in negativity and being enraged by everything all the time. It’s exhausting, mentally draining, and stressful. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Does anger help you show up in a better way? Does going down that social media rabbit hole really educate you and help you become a better person? If yes, then great, go for it. But I seriously doubt it. Not only will you become less able to effect change, but you’ll also personally suffer for it. I am not saying we should all bury our heads in the sand, naively pretending there aren’t horrible things happening in our world. I am simply saying, “Pick a thing,” and then go make a difference in the world.

Love to you all. Go make a difference, one small thing at a time.

References

https://boonecenter.pepperdine.edu/relationship-iq/blog/posts/technology_effects_on_our_brains_and_bodies.htm#:~:text=Technology%20Use%20Can%20Create%20Structural,%2C%20personal%2C%20and%20professional%20tasks.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/are-digital-devices-altering-our-brains/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7366948/

https://www.bioscience.com.pk/topics/technology/item/1462-eight-major-negative-effects-of-technology-on-the-brain

https://hms.harvard.edu/news/screen-time-brain

The Drawbridge

sweatherred

Sometimes Life Tells You: You need to stop!

I’ll be hitting on metaphors and “signs” today, so if that’s not something you’re interested in, I understand. I’m also going to keep it real, because let’s face it, sometimes life is just plain hard. Thanks to a pandemic, skyrocketing cost of living and a million other challenging things, the world has become a pressure cooker. Some days, (many days) I think I’d like to ship off to a quiet spot on a remote beach, live in a shack, and never come back (but I digress).

You firing on all cylinders at all times like me? Does the world feel like overwhelm at most times? Getting a little snappy, impatient or just plain angry lately? Yep, me too. MANY other people in the world are too. Have you noticed? I’m sure you have. Its a tough place to be right now. Sometimes, a deep breath isn’t enough. Sometimes, the cup just boils over. In spite of our best attempts to be kind, patient human beings, things can get a little sideways. I’ll be the first to admit, I try hard, but don’t always succeed at keeping it together. I’ve talked to so many others that feel the same way, and there is no shortage of examples of less-than-ideal human behavior lately.

I’ll spare you the details of my sour mood (nobody needs to hear that- y’all have your own shit to deal with), but I had a pretty rough week (ok, rough month). I have not been my best self, let’s just say.

In my worst moment, I decided I needed to do something about it. Exercise is always helpful, and so is music, so I did that. A four mile “wog” on the beach in Florida, accompanied by some seriously loud rock in my ears was a good start. I am also a big fan of asking the universe for a sign when I need to, and asked on this day. The universe almost always delivers. This time, I asked for something to help me out of this challenging time. Not 3 minutes later, I was faced with a drawbridge, which forced me to stop and take a look around. Stop, and pull your head out of its spinny, angry moment and take it all in. It was literally and figuratively what I needed. Just STOP Sarah! Stop “doing”, stop stressing, stop being so damn grumpy, stop with the busy mind, just STOP! So I did.

Since that time, I’ve been tuning in and giving myself what I need. Fresh air with a friend? Check. Yoga to feel better after a long travel week? Check. Yes to lunch with a friend? Check. Good sleep? Check. Getting stuff done on my to-do list that is NOT work-related? Check. And guess what, the work’s still getting done. 🙂 But I had to make a conscious effort here. I’ve had to really work at it, and it hasn’t been easy. But I tuned in, I listened, I got up and I did the work. I’m not back to roses and sunshine, but I’m a heck-of-a-lot better than I was a few days ago.

What I am suggesting, my sweet friends, is that you get up when you don’t want to, and keep trying when you don’t want to. Forgive yourself for being less than perfect (!!!). Just try harder next time. Tune in, answer the call of what your body, your mind, and perhaps your loved ones are telling you. No one else is going to do this for you. They literally can’t. It’s up to you. Life’s hard sometimes, but you got this!

Thoughts for the day: Get up and do the thing. You’ve overcome hard things before, you can do it again. One foot in front of the other, sometimes literally. Coming through challenges makes us stronger. People in the world are also having a hard time. Acknowledge that, acknowledge them and do your best. By definition, you are a human, and therefore imperfect. Own it and be the best version of a human you can be. And if you aren’t your best, get up and try again.

Love to you all.

“It is easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling, than to feel yourself into a better way of action”. O.H. Mowrer, Psychologist , behavior therapy researcher.

On Positive Reinforcement and Growth Mindset

sweatherred

I feel very passionately about this topic. If you would, please read.

Now you might be thinking… didn’t you just write about the idea that not everyone should get a trophy? Why yes I did. And by that, I meant we shouldn’t reward complacency and people who just show up, (or don’t for that matter). We should see failure as an opportunity for learning and growth, and approach it as such.

But this concept is a little different.

What I’m talking about here is not just about feeling good. It’s more about showing support and developing individuals with positive reinforcement. I’m talking to you, teachers, leaders, coaches, and mentors. I’m talking to myself as well. It’s a practiced skill to be quite honest. And there is plenty of evidence to support the idea that positive feedback leads to positive change faster than pointing out all the negatives, or worse, belittling someone to get your point across.

But here’s a key piece: I am not saying there isn’t a place for constructive feedback. There absolutely is. But it should help develop a growth mindset. It should also come with a “try again”, and “you got this” mentality, and importantly, “I believe in you”! You’re just not there yet.

Praise for effort, not grades or goals scored. Science says gains will be made faster. Please watch this 5-minute video on praise for intelligence vs effort: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWv1VdDeoRY

Not only should we give positive feedback, but it should be tailored to the individual. Pay attention. Identify individuals’ unique strengths (we ALL have them). Make someone feel: I SEE you! Slow down, and tune in. It’s so worth it!

For a little context: I grew up as an athlete, and am now a nurse, a leader, a teacher, and a newly minted and totally novice assistant coach. I’m a mom with athletic kids. I always heard: Nurses eat their young (been there, done that, no thanks!). I’ve watched my kids and their experiences. I’ve seen coaches berate and belittle kids and tell 10-year-old children that a game loss was one person’s fault (my kid received that feedback) and that her mistakes would result in karma. Yuck! Soul-crushing, tear-provoking incidents! Conversely, I have had some incredible mentors and role models in my life, as have my children. I am happy to report that those great humans far outnumber the bad apples.

Here are a couple examples:

As a nurse, I’ve made mistakes. Thankfully, none where a patient or colleague got hurt, but there was potential. Sadly, it happens. After one scary incident with a potentially violent patient, I had a boss who pulled me aside, discussed my role in the incident, and where I could have done better. I should have called in support, but I didn’t. Did she belittle me? Nope. Write me up? Nope. She talked to me, calmly and with reassurance. She knew intuitively that I beat myself up plenty, thank you very much, and that I’d never make the same mistake again. She treated me like a respected colleague, and an adult for that matter. In turn, I worked harder, did better, and respected her immensely for it. I still hold her in the highest esteem.

My oldest daughter started out in her favorite sport at age 11 (late starter). Some kids were hard on her, and some people indicated that’s too late to start. But she had a coach that believed in her. Cheered her on. Told her he believed in her! She’s found her passion, and is on her way to a lifetime of enjoying the sport. I will always be grateful to him. I could go on with the examples for days, but I’ll spare you.

Importantly: (Parents listen up!!!) You must also role model this behavior towards yourself. Never, ever say “I suck” or “I’m fat” or “I’ll never be able to ____” in front of your kids. Never. Do not make similar comments of others. 100%, I promise you, your kids will repeat the negative self-talk and talking down to others. You think it’s funny? I assure you it is not. All you fans of sarcasm (yep, me too) we can debate this topic if you like, but in my book, negative self-talk is never productive, and can also have lasting harmful effects on our children. Am I perfect at this? Nope. Working on it! Just remember to say “not yet“.

Moral of the story? People will rise to the occasion. Believe in them? They will act accordingly. Cut them down? It won’t go so well. Ok maybe for a brief moment they’ll seem like they’re working harder. Maybe they’ll submit their work on time, or run a little faster. But is fear-driven behavior a good thing? I can guarantee you it’s not. And you know the worst part? When they become the boss or the coach, they’ll treat others the same. Your actions can have a massive ripple effect.

As often as I can, I like to share the research I’m familiar with.

Brain Games- Jason silva “The Power of Positivity.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO1kgl0p-Hw

Carol Dweck, research on the Growth Mindset, and the Power of Yet. She has many YouTube videos, so hard to pick just one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_X0mgOOSpLU

Ps. Look at the picture of the kid in the featured image of the blog. See his joy and excitement for football and probably life? Parents, teachers, mentors: Lets work to keep it that way.