Author: sweatherred

I have a simple challenge for you. Well, maybe it’s not easy, but simple in the literal sense.

Like almost everything I post, I do not claim this as an original idea, but this has been resonating strongly with me lately. This is a combination of what I’ve read, experienced, and believe. I’ve done a fair amount of meditating on and reading about manifestation. You’ll find different perspectives and methods, and it usually contains elements of 1. Get clear on your vision, 2. Put it into the universe (vision board, journal, verbalize, visualize) 3. Don’t be attached to how it happens. Just trust that it will happen 4. Express gratitude (even if it hasn’t actually happened) 5. Act as if it has already happened. I believe strongly that #5 is the key. I’ll elaborate…

If you’re already acting “as if” something were true, your vision is already fully formed, and #1 and #2 are taken care of. If you already have something in your life, you’re less likely to care how you got there, and you’ll ideally be grateful that you’re there. #3 and #4 are taken care of. Rather than wrapping ourselves up in a check-list or step-by-step process (don’t get me wrong, I LOVE me a checklist!) I suggest we try something simpler.

Here’s my challenge:

Any time you find yourself thinking or saying “I want”, replace it “I am” or “I have”.

Really envision yourself this way, as if it is occurring now, not sometime in the future. The magic in this technique is that you’ll start behaving in a way that leads you to where you want to be.

Here are a few examples:

I want to be at X weight vs. I am at X weight. Close your eyes and really see it. If you are the person that stays at your goal weight, my guess is you’re reaching for healthy foods, eating in moderation, saying yes to exercise, and generally staying on track. Envision being that person, not wanting to be that person. If you’re not there and you want/crave/hope, you might say.. oh screw it, or I can’t, or I’ll work on it tomorrow, or I’ll fail. If you are there, you’ll act like that healthy person every day, or at least, most of the time. Am I right? Sit with that for a bit.

I want X job, vs. I have X job. Close your eyes and really see it. If you want/crave/hope for the job or business opportunity, how does that feel? Probably scary, intimidating, uncertain, or not possible. It might be exciting but a little grey. Feel like taking action? Maybe. May not. If you already have the job or opportunity, you have confidence, take action, and feel like you belong in that space. You know you can do it because you already are! Yes?

I want X amount of money, vs. I have X amount of money. Close your eyes and really see it. Perhaps this one is a little tricky. Perhaps you’re thinking, well, yeah, if I had that kind of money, I’d spend it. But that’s a bad idea, I’m not doing that. I don’t want to go bankrupt trying. But I’ll ask you to dig a little deeper. People who have money didn’t get there only by spending a lot. They have money because they manage what they do have appropriately, reducing debt, working, saving, etc. They act, they don’t wish. Now try again. Close your eyes and see it. I bet you have that job, paid off your debt, saved, and then spent. Or maybe you won the lottery. Good on you. But the question is: did you play the lottery, vs. wishing you won the lottery? You get the idea.

Lastly, as I’ve alluded to, wanting, craving, and hoping are ineffectual. Change comes from the doing. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in having hope, especially in tough times. But this meaning of the word hope is a little different. I’m guessing you’ve heard the phrase “what we resist persists”? That applies here. If we want, we are in a scarcity mindset rather than an abundance mindset. We focus on what we don’t have or what’s wrong, not what we can do or what’s possible. Then guess what: More of what we’re focusing on appears in our life. Try shifting to “I am” and “I have” for a day or two, and let me know what shifts happen for you, big or small. I can’t wait to hear about it! I am on this journey with you.

References: The Wisdom of Yoga, Stephen Cope

ps. Part of the inspiration for this posting was an exercise I tried. I am a huge fan of blogs, podcasts, exercises, etc. This person inspires me. I engaged in an exercise that, in part, was to write down what I want every day for X number of days. I got excited! I was going to get clear on my goals and achieve them! I added my own additional twist on how I was going to complete the goals. I diligently completed the exercise for 24 days, which was short of the goal. I stopped on purpose. I realized 1. There are just a couple things I REALLY want (the exercise was helpful in that way). 2. I’m not doing shit about it, at least not in an effective manner. I haven’t improved anything in 24 days, not really. So now, I am going to focus on being, not wanting. Like I said, I’m on the journey with you.

The universe has been talking lately, so I’m listening. I teach a class at a university where students are required to plan out educational, life, and career goals. They’re required to lay out steps to achieve those goals. I’ve been listening to podcasts about health and wellness, all with concrete goals in mind. I am a recent graduate of a coaching program soon to seek board certification. We practice setting clearly defined goals and making small changes to move the needle. And so on.

Me? Currently working three jobs and *hoping life will lead me in a great direction. I have realized lately that I am not practicing what I preach. I *hope I’ll lose the weight before that big vacation, I *hope we can get the credit cards paid off, I *hope we can make the house updates we want, and I *hope, eventually, I’ll reduce my work down to one (ok maybe two) amazing job that pays well, and that provides benefits. I *hope we can afford those vacations. You get the idea…

I would imagine the concept of SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-sensitive) is familiar to many of you. If not, here’s one resource:https://www.smartsheet.com/blog/essential-guide-writing-smart-goals. Admittedly, as I prepped this posting, I found some research that SMART goals in and of themselves don’t drive change or may have negative effects on psychology. What I also found is that if you write goals down, say them out loud, and celebrate your wins, you’re much more likely to achieve your goals. You decide.

Here’s my question: When was the last time you sat down and actually examined your life? When was the last time you actually took the time to write down your goals? My guess is that, like me, you have a lot of fantasy-type ideas (I hope!) on how you want your life to look, but you haven’t written down concrete goals or the action steps it will take you to get there.

So, let’s do this together. Seriously. Get a pen and paper. You can make it simple and brief, if that’s the amount of time you have, or have fun with it when you have more time. Write down 3-5 areas of your life where you want to make change or progress. Don’t know where to start? Call to mind something in any of the following areas of your life that you’d like to improve upon: Career, Finance, Health, Family, Relationships, Fun/Enjoyment, Education, Physical Environment, Mental Health, or Spirituality. Then pick just one that you want to work on.

Now, let’s turn it into a SMART goal.

For example, rather than “I’d hope I can get my credit cards paid off soon,” write, “I will pay off $3000 of credit card debt within 6 months (put a specific date on it). If that’s not realistic, then choose something that is. You can’t measure credit card debt without a number or “soon” without a date. Then, lay out the actions to meet that goal. What is the first step, no matter how small, to achieve that goal? Maybe that step is “pay $300 from each paycheck towards credit cards”. I’m no financial expert, but you get the hypothetical idea.

There are two keys to success. 1. Put in the work. Every day. No one is going to do this for you. Only YOU can do it for you. But it doesn’t have to be sweeping or major. Even the tiniest step toward progress is progress! 2. Celebrate!! Woo-hoo, you took a step! Seriously! Yay! You are that much closer to your dream. The cycle of action and reward will reinforce the behaviors you want to continue, and you’ll be more likely to keep moving forward.

What if I fail, you ask? Then I’d ask you this: What happens if you do nothing? What is the cost of inaction? My guess is that you’ll be in the same place you are now. How does that sit with you? Really? Close your eyes and imagine it. Is the fear of failure causing inertia? (Guilty!). But (big shocker), none of us are perfect. All of us make mistakes. If you expect and forgive some mistakes, and PLEASE do not beat yourself up for them, you are more likely to keep on trying. Progress and change take time. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Key takeaways?: If you don’t know exactly what you’re aiming for, how will you know if you’ve achieved the goal? How will you identify the steps to get you there? Start now, right now, today, and take the first small step toward your goal. Then celebrate! Put it on repeat.

I’d love to know what you’re up to and what goal you’re going after. Friends, you got this! I’m right there beside you!

References:

The Science of Stuck, Britt Frank https://www.scienceofstuck.com/

Mel Robbins Podcasts, trainings, books.

My intent with this one is not to get political. My intent is certainly not to tell you what’s important and what’s not. That’s up to you and only you. It does, and should, look different for everyone. My intent is to help create a sense of connection, belonging, and passion while reducing the stress and anxiety that can come with the overwhelming amount of negative information blasted at us 24/7. I feel for our kids who never knew any different.

I am dating myself here, but when I was growing up in the ’80s and ’90s, life was relatively simple. Not perfect, but less busy, in the negative sense of the word. We walked to school, walked to a friend’s house after school most days, and either played outside or listened to the radio in hopes that our favorite song would be played. We played on our local sports teams or got involved with after-school extracurricular activities. News came via the daily paper or on the evening news. The “daily dose” of current events was metered. Today, unless you’re a social-media-free kind of person (bless you, I’m jealous) or intentionally live a simple and technology-reduced life, you’re blasted with information at a blistering, stressful, anxiety-producing pace.

There are so many topics one could be passionate about, get involved in, or fight for: Youth mental health, the opioid epidemic, black lives matter, diversity, equity and inclusion, LGBTQ+, international conflict/war-torn countries, bullying, global warming, local issues, gun violence, and the list could go on forever. It stresses me out to consider all of the negative events going on in the world and also how divided we have become as a country over them. The barrage of negative information, coupled with the VOLUMES of information, positive or negative (or somewhere in between) is a lot for the human brain to handle.

For some, this creates pressure to know about everything, to have an opinion about everything, and a sense of obligation to do something about everything. Unless you’re the President of the United States propped up by a massive team, this is literally impossible.

Not to digress too much, but technology overuse can result in attention deficits, reduced dopamine levels, reduced physical activity, memory impairment (You ever have trouble recalling simple words? Me too.), reduced sleep, reduced cognitive performance, reduced attention, social/emotional intelligence, and social isolation to name a few (see references section). Oh, and you think you can multitask with technology and other tasks? You can’t.

Here’s my charge to you:

Step one, identify what you are most passionate about? Deep down, what fuels you? What interests you right now? This should NOT be what you *think* you’re supposed to care about and what society implies should be important to you. Just stop that. Get honest with yourself. You’re more likely to put the work in and make a difference if you really, truly care. Priorities and values will almost certainly change over your lifetime, depending on your life experiences and stage in life. For me, it’s currently things like personal and community health, personal growth, mental health, and of course, anything that impacts my kids: education, physical health, family, etc. That’s where I put my time and energy, and I don’t try to address all of those things all at once. I encourage you to pick a few topics, but not 10. If you haven’t already tried this exercise, hone in on your values first, then let those guide you.

Step two: consider where you can have the most impact? Consider your work and life experience, your connections, and a sphere of influence (we all have it in some way). Consider HOW you can have an impact. Through your job? Volunteering? Lobbying? Educating yourself and others? Showing up for a friend? Just your way of being in the world? There are hundreds of ways to have a positive impact on the world. Think about the ways that make the most sense for you. Oh, and by the way, it does NOT have to be a major sweeping effort. Sometimes, a lot of times, it means just showing and being kind to others, offering empathy and compassion, and recognizing everyone is going through something. It sounds simple, and sometimes it’s difficult, but being kind is possibly one of the most important things you can do.

Step three: (I’m sure to be unpopular here). Let the rest go. Yes, I mean it. Stop mentally engaging in negativity and being enraged by everything all the time. It’s exhausting, mentally draining, and stressful. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Does anger help you show up in a better way? Does going down that social media rabbit hole really educate you and help you become a better person? If yes, then great, go for it. But I seriously doubt it. Not only will you become less able to effect change, but you’ll also personally suffer for it. I am not saying we should all bury our heads in the sand, naively pretending there aren’t horrible things happening in our world. I am simply saying, “Pick a thing,” and then go make a difference in the world.

Love to you all. Go make a difference, one small thing at a time.

References

https://boonecenter.pepperdine.edu/relationship-iq/blog/posts/technology_effects_on_our_brains_and_bodies.htm#:~:text=Technology%20Use%20Can%20Create%20Structural,%2C%20personal%2C%20and%20professional%20tasks.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/are-digital-devices-altering-our-brains/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7366948/

https://www.bioscience.com.pk/topics/technology/item/1462-eight-major-negative-effects-of-technology-on-the-brain

https://hms.harvard.edu/news/screen-time-brain

Sometimes Life Tells You: You need to stop!

I’ll be hitting on metaphors and “signs” today, so if that’s not something you’re interested in, I understand. I’m also going to keep it real, because let’s face it, sometimes life is just plain hard. Thanks to a pandemic, skyrocketing cost of living and a million other challenging things, the world has become a pressure cooker. Some days, (many days) I think I’d like to ship off to a quiet spot on a remote beach, live in a shack, and never come back (but I digress).

You firing on all cylinders at all times like me? Does the world feel like overwhelm at most times? Getting a little snappy, impatient or just plain angry lately? Yep, me too. MANY other people in the world are too. Have you noticed? I’m sure you have. Its a tough place to be right now. Sometimes, a deep breath isn’t enough. Sometimes, the cup just boils over. In spite of our best attempts to be kind, patient human beings, things can get a little sideways. I’ll be the first to admit, I try hard, but don’t always succeed at keeping it together. I’ve talked to so many others that feel the same way, and there is no shortage of examples of less-than-ideal human behavior lately.

I’ll spare you the details of my sour mood (nobody needs to hear that- y’all have your own shit to deal with), but I had a pretty rough week (ok, rough month). I have not been my best self, let’s just say.

In my worst moment, I decided I needed to do something about it. Exercise is always helpful, and so is music, so I did that. A four mile “wog” on the beach in Florida, accompanied by some seriously loud rock in my ears was a good start. I am also a big fan of asking the universe for a sign when I need to, and asked on this day. The universe almost always delivers. This time, I asked for something to help me out of this challenging time. Not 3 minutes later, I was faced with a drawbridge, which forced me to stop and take a look around. Stop, and pull your head out of its spinny, angry moment and take it all in. It was literally and figuratively what I needed. Just STOP Sarah! Stop “doing”, stop stressing, stop being so damn grumpy, stop with the busy mind, just STOP! So I did.

Since that time, I’ve been tuning in and giving myself what I need. Fresh air with a friend? Check. Yoga to feel better after a long travel week? Check. Yes to lunch with a friend? Check. Good sleep? Check. Getting stuff done on my to-do list that is NOT work-related? Check. And guess what, the work’s still getting done. 🙂 But I had to make a conscious effort here. I’ve had to really work at it, and it hasn’t been easy. But I tuned in, I listened, I got up and I did the work. I’m not back to roses and sunshine, but I’m a heck-of-a-lot better than I was a few days ago.

What I am suggesting, my sweet friends, is that you get up when you don’t want to, and keep trying when you don’t want to. Forgive yourself for being less than perfect (!!!). Just try harder next time. Tune in, answer the call of what your body, your mind, and perhaps your loved ones are telling you. No one else is going to do this for you. They literally can’t. It’s up to you. Life’s hard sometimes, but you got this!

Thoughts for the day: Get up and do the thing. You’ve overcome hard things before, you can do it again. One foot in front of the other, sometimes literally. Coming through challenges makes us stronger. People in the world are also having a hard time. Acknowledge that, acknowledge them and do your best. By definition, you are a human, and therefore imperfect. Own it and be the best version of a human you can be. And if you aren’t your best, get up and try again.

Love to you all.

“It is easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling, than to feel yourself into a better way of action”. O.H. Mowrer, Psychologist , behavior therapy researcher.

I feel very passionately about this topic. If you would, please read.

Now you might be thinking… didn’t you just write about the idea that not everyone should get a trophy? Why yes I did. And by that, I meant we shouldn’t reward complacency and people who just show up, (or don’t for that matter). We should see failure as an opportunity for learning and growth, and approach it as such.

But this concept is a little different.

What I’m talking about here is not just about feeling good. It’s more about showing support and developing individuals with positive reinforcement. I’m talking to you, teachers, leaders, coaches, and mentors. I’m talking to myself as well. It’s a practiced skill to be quite honest. And there is plenty of evidence to support the idea that positive feedback leads to positive change faster than pointing out all the negatives, or worse, belittling someone to get your point across.

But here’s a key piece: I am not saying there isn’t a place for constructive feedback. There absolutely is. But it should help develop a growth mindset. It should also come with a “try again”, and “you got this” mentality, and importantly, “I believe in you”! You’re just not there yet.

Praise for effort, not grades or goals scored. Science says gains will be made faster. Please watch this 5-minute video on praise for intelligence vs effort: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWv1VdDeoRY

Not only should we give positive feedback, but it should be tailored to the individual. Pay attention. Identify individuals’ unique strengths (we ALL have them). Make someone feel: I SEE you! Slow down, and tune in. It’s so worth it!

For a little context: I grew up as an athlete, and am now a nurse, a leader, a teacher, and a newly minted and totally novice assistant coach. I’m a mom with athletic kids. I always heard: Nurses eat their young (been there, done that, no thanks!). I’ve watched my kids and their experiences. I’ve seen coaches berate and belittle kids and tell 10-year-old children that a game loss was one person’s fault (my kid received that feedback) and that her mistakes would result in karma. Yuck! Soul-crushing, tear-provoking incidents! Conversely, I have had some incredible mentors and role models in my life, as have my children. I am happy to report that those great humans far outnumber the bad apples.

Here are a couple examples:

As a nurse, I’ve made mistakes. Thankfully, none where a patient or colleague got hurt, but there was potential. Sadly, it happens. After one scary incident with a potentially violent patient, I had a boss who pulled me aside, discussed my role in the incident, and where I could have done better. I should have called in support, but I didn’t. Did she belittle me? Nope. Write me up? Nope. She talked to me, calmly and with reassurance. She knew intuitively that I beat myself up plenty, thank you very much, and that I’d never make the same mistake again. She treated me like a respected colleague, and an adult for that matter. In turn, I worked harder, did better, and respected her immensely for it. I still hold her in the highest esteem.

My oldest daughter started out in her favorite sport at age 11 (late starter). Some kids were hard on her, and some people indicated that’s too late to start. But she had a coach that believed in her. Cheered her on. Told her he believed in her! She’s found her passion, and is on her way to a lifetime of enjoying the sport. I will always be grateful to him. I could go on with the examples for days, but I’ll spare you.

Importantly: (Parents listen up!!!) You must also role model this behavior towards yourself. Never, ever say “I suck” or “I’m fat” or “I’ll never be able to ____” in front of your kids. Never. Do not make similar comments of others. 100%, I promise you, your kids will repeat the negative self-talk and talking down to others. You think it’s funny? I assure you it is not. All you fans of sarcasm (yep, me too) we can debate this topic if you like, but in my book, negative self-talk is never productive, and can also have lasting harmful effects on our children. Am I perfect at this? Nope. Working on it! Just remember to say “not yet“.

Moral of the story? People will rise to the occasion. Believe in them? They will act accordingly. Cut them down? It won’t go so well. Ok maybe for a brief moment they’ll seem like they’re working harder. Maybe they’ll submit their work on time, or run a little faster. But is fear-driven behavior a good thing? I can guarantee you it’s not. And you know the worst part? When they become the boss or the coach, they’ll treat others the same. Your actions can have a massive ripple effect.

As often as I can, I like to share the research I’m familiar with.

Brain Games- Jason silva “The Power of Positivity.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO1kgl0p-Hw

Carol Dweck, research on the Growth Mindset, and the Power of Yet. She has many YouTube videos, so hard to pick just one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_X0mgOOSpLU

Ps. Look at the picture of the kid in the featured image of the blog. See his joy and excitement for football and probably life? Parents, teachers, mentors: Lets work to keep it that way.

The Universe has infinite wisdom and is there to guide us to our highest potential. All we just have to do is pay attention, and believe. This one might get a little “woo woo” so if that’s not your thing, it’s all good by me. And if you prefer, insert God, or spiritual being, or whatever you like for “Universe”.

So on to today’s thoughts.

Well, that was interesting… I started today’s post, unsure of exactly where to take it. Should I title it “I am vs. I want”? Should I talk about the power of meditation, identifying emotions that do not serve, and then letting them go? I’ll come back to those topics at another time I’m sure. Today, I felt compelled to write but was unsure what to hone in on.

And then, the Universe decided on a topic for me. I stepped away from my computer for lunch and returned to see the title “2211” saved as a draft. Hmm… I thought. I must have accidentally hit a couple numbers on my keyboard. That is strange. What the heck, I’ll look it up.

I typed “2211” in my search bar and all the results pointed to 2211 as an “Angel Number”. My search showed things like: The angels are aware and grateful for your efforts, and You will be presented with new opportunities for new beginnings, improved relationships, and positive thinking. “Use this invitation to explore new ways of thinking and to remain open to changing our habits, thoughts, and perspective. Use the opportunity to connect with your spiritual self and change your mindset”, another website said. I’m sure a numerologist or another expert could state this more clearly. But in any case: Sounds good! Let’s do it!

You may be thinking… ok so you bumped a couple numbers on your keyboard. So what? Part of me is thinking the same thing. But here’s the other part of the story. This week, I’ve been doing some work around making some positive changes, and have incorporated (or tried at least) daily meditation to focus on those changes. This morning, in particular, I did a powerful (like the move you to tears kind) meditation. I am focusing on thoughts and behaviors that do not serve me, and ones that have been recurrent and ingrained for years. Stuff I really want to change so I can show up in the world as a better human being. I’ve asked the Universe to guide me, and am trusting the process. And I think I’m getting some answers. Earlier today, I had a surprise and MUCH welcomed schedule changed that allowed me to focus on what’s important: my health and wellness, and my family.

And now, 2211 presents itself to me. For me, the jury’s still out on “signs” like this one. But what I do believe for certain is that there is immense, immeasurable value in tuning in to your surroundings, your gut, and your heart. I’ve talked about this before and will probably talk about it again. If we move through life in habitual, unconscious ways, with thoughts that do not serve us, the results will be predictable. We will be unfulfilled, unhappy, unhealthy, checked out and numb. If we work towards using a more conscious, tuned-in approach, with a positive mindset, and then act upon the information that is presented to us, life will show us its beauty in ways we never could have dreamed of.

Today is not the first time I’ve experienced something like this. There have been several times in my life where I’ve asked and received: Needed a job change, asked the questions and something beyond my wildest dreams was offered. This has actually happened to me three times in different ways. Was injured, asked the Universe “why” and “show me a sign” and my life was set on a totally different and definitely better path. Needed some additional money, asked the questions, and was presented with options outside of what I’d ever conceived. You get the idea.

I ask you friends: What can you do today to tune in pay attention and use the information to your advantage. Is it a meditation? A walk in the woods? A “yes” somewhere in your life or a “no”? A conversation with a friend? Whatever gets you there, that’s up to you. Tune in and let me know the results! I am so curious and can’t wait to hear! Tell me about times in the past when you’ve asked and received and I’ll do the same.

Today, my entire day was shifted because of one, 15-minute meditation. If we could tune in and deeply listen, and BELIEVE it’s possible, even 10% of the time, imagine the possibilities!

Need more science, less “woo woo”? Check out the research on neuroplasticity, epigenetics and quantum law. Dr. Joe Dispenza is a fantastic source of information as well

Pretty sure I’m going to get some opposition to this one, but stick with me ok? As usual, I welcome opposing views! My opinionated side is coming out here, so buckle up, or scroll on, your choice. I listened to an interesting podcast this week that got me thinking about parenting, some things I’m proud of, some I can do better, some parenting methods our society I am fond of, and some, I am not. It may sound contradictory, but hopefully, I can articulate my point well enough that it will not. I am not a perfect parent, and never will be, but have certainly learned a thing or two, which I’ll share here.

First: Let’s start by talking about individualism. I am a firm believer that everyone, yes everyone, has been given special and unique talents in this world, and that they have an opportunity (responsibility?) to share them. It can take some time to find that niche, and might come with some growing pains, but it is oh so worth it. Parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches and community members: YOU have an opportunity to build our kids up. That shy award kid in the corner? She might be the president of the United States one day. Talk to her, see what she’s interested in. That kid who dresses just a little differently than the rest? A phase? Who cares?! Great! Compliment their choices. We need differences in the world. (And by the way, I totally screwed up with my oldest daughter on that topic. I did not support her fashion choices during a certain phase, and if you’re reading this, I’m sorry). Uniformity is boring and doesn’t foster creative thinking or forward progress. Kids need our support, our love, and our guidance, especially when they stumble. And they need us to SHOW UP and be good role models. Me in kindergarten: TERRIFIED to go to school. Like physically ill at times. School phobia is apparently a thing. And you know what? It took just one amazing teacher to pull me out of my shell. She talked to me. She believed in me. I think I’m doing pretty ok now. You can be that person for someone.

Next: The concept of the trophy. The trophy is a metaphor and I’ll primarily discuss sports, but this can be applied in any area of life. Why oh why does everyone get a trophy all the time? Let me start by saying I LOVE me a trophy! I am super competitive, and I like to win. I like it when my kids’ teams win, and my teams win (go Jayhawks!). It’s fun and exciting. Sports, grades, performances, what have you, I think it’s worth celebrating hard work and success. BUT. Loss or failure isn’t the end of the world. It should be celebrated too. In fact, failure usually presents the best opportunity for learning and growth (and for you sports fans, the opportunity to develop great sportsmanship). And sometimes, oftentimes, failure results in a change better than you could have imagined. For example, take the kid that didn’t make the (insert sport) team. It can be heartbreaking for the kid, and the parent. Cry, be sad, be mad, that’s fine and great and understandable. But then move on. It’s all in how you handle it. Take it as a time to explore other opportunities. Perhaps getting cut from the team leads to an opportunity to participate in something else, and that something else is a life-long passion, the best thing ever! I’ve seen it happen, please believe it can happen! Hang in there, it will!

Don’t believe me? Hey you: Adult. Think back to a time when you lost, got fired, royally screwed something up, or said something you couldn’t take back. In the moment, it’s not fun. Sometimes REALLY not fun. It can cause self-doubt, shame, guilt, anxiety, and cause “what-if”-ing until the cows come home. Been there done that. But I’d venture to say, that if you look back at the times in your life when things didn’t go as planned, those might be the times you learned and grew the most. I can say without a doubt that’s true for me.

Showing up, having fun, working hard, trying hard, being part of a team, learning to work with others, learning to motivate yourself: all good things! Let’s keep it positive! Then why shouldn’t every kid get a trophy, you ask? Because we lose the opportunity to learn and grow. Because if we give a medal, trophy, or certificate, every time someone participates in something (or doesn’t for that matter), we are not building resilient humans with unique strengths. The word NEEDS people who show up fully, using their own beautiful, creative, and differing talents. Further, if we don’t let our kids try and fail, how are they going to learn to move through adversity in life? How will they find their passion? If our kids get out of high school and never had to work for anything, were never told “no”, or never failed at anything, how do you think “adulting” is going to go for them? Let your imagination run wild. I’m guessing the boss isn’t going to give praise for simply showing up to work every day, or showing up just when you feel like it. Perhaps I’m showing my generation, we’re notorious workaholics. I do believe in the value of hard work and dedication. I am not suggesting that slaving away for 40, 50, 60+ hours a week is the answer. And, in no way am I suggesting that we should demean a five-year-old who makes a mistake at a soccer game. That’s a whole other posting, and if that’s the take-home, then I’ve failed at making my point. I am simply suggesting that we say: “Did you have fun? Great. Lose? That’s great too (did you learn something?), and go get ’em next time and have some more fun!” Kids: Do what lights YOUR fire, not your parents’ fire.

To summarize: I believe that we can and should be kind, celebrate and build people up for their unique talents, quirks, strengths, and weaknesses. Yay individuality and diversity! I do not believe the way to develop a healthy, resilient, functioning individual is to coddle, over-protect, shield, and hand out a plethora of trophies. To develop resilient individuals, there has to be a combination of love and support, and learning and growing from our mistakes.

Don’t be afraid of failure, my friends. Keep going, keep trying and keep working towards the best and most resilient version of you. Do what matters to you! Try hard, and screw it up, why not? Be fearless! Be an example for your kids, pick yourself back up, and help them do the same. Take it from MJ: